wwhen the stars go blue
Today this girl is The current mood of miamigirl1288@aol.com at www.imood.com and/but The current mood of miamigirl1288@yahoo.com at www.imood.com


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wSunday, October 19, 2003


Put on Stairway To Heaven and ignore it all.
How can something that seems so right, that gives me such a feeling, also make me so miserable?
Maybe it's all in my head. Maybe now is the time to dive past it all and pay inhibitions no mind.
But maybe
There's a sign on the wall
And she wants to be sure
Cause you know sometimes words
Have two meanings.

posted by Teresa at 10:20 AM


wThursday, October 16, 2003


And I still got a day or two ahead of me
Till I'll be headed home into your arms again.

Wellllll kids, I believe this is it.
movation to livejournal...here we go, yall.
I am going to miss this place, in big ways.
And you might want to check back eversooften, cause there's a good chance this place will remain in service.
Man, it hasn't even been a year since I started this thing...that's insane, yall, straight crazy.
Sigh for time, in more than one way, and its neverending ability to amaze me.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 4:30 PM


wTuesday, October 14, 2003


We don't have much room to live.

The imood explanation: incredible, because that's how I feel.
angry, because I'm not really, but I am angry at imood, because it won't let me feel unspeakable or exhilarated or admiring or invigorated. Damn you, imood.
The Cubs lost....sorry, David.
mmmmvanillacoke (11:09:14 PM): ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
mmmmvanillacoke (11:09:37 PM): i am going to kill any person wearing a marlins shirt tomorrow
mmmmvanillacoke (11:09:42 PM): kill them
mmmmvanillacoke (11:09:52 PM): ow shit
mmmmvanillacoke (11:09:55 PM): i just punched the wall
I watched Boy Meets World tonight and it made me laugh, multiple times. Fiesta!
Tomorrow's a B-day, which if Ms. Heath is absent again will rock my socks times 987259874958729458724. Typing in random numbers is extreme amounts of fun. : D
Slowdancing in the quiet moments...
Sleepwalking in the summer rain.
Matchbox Twenty-- The Difference. If you don't have it, you need it, times 9879879876867.
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be.
Yeah, girl, what you wanna be.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Sigh for jean skirts on October days, and smiles that don't stop, and lots of sleep, and beautiful music when it fills your ears. I'm damned but don't let this fade away, don't let this fade away, don't let this fade away.
If you say it enough, does it come true?
Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face and you think
Maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday, yeah.
For all you know, yeah...for all you know.

Tomorrow, math test, a rockin b-day lunch with clairebear, hopefully a chem sub, physics homework during class, and the third humanities group. Good deal, my friends, good deal.
ps- if some people don't straighten themselves out, ball kickage will commence. and castration will follow.
thankyouthatisall.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 11:12 PM


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In other news, I just added some people I don't know very well on lj. But they are cool and it's all good...thanksthatisall.

posted by Teresa at 6:29 PM


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Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...
Because you don't have to, I already know.

On strong people, and others whom I just happen to love more than words.

Amanda Pulido...talking to her in gym is beautifulous. She. is. so. strong. And she does not deserve any of the shit that I hear some of yall giving her. So quit it. You hardly know her, you don't know her life, so go mind your own business. You don't know how much she handles or how much she might keep inside or what she might have to go home to, so go mind your own fucking business. She is smart and sweet and gorgeous (as we all know, lol) and strong. And that is all I have to say on that.
Claire, my darling Claire...There is more to be said on this, in 10 days, actually...but Claire is one of the most awesomest people I've ever known. And I just have to say how much I love her and her alwaysthereness. And as if the awesomefriendness weren't enough, she's smart and sopretty, as Amanda and I just discussed the other day. And just has this...aura of exceptional coolness. Iloveit.
Laura Elizabeth Ingles...You, my darling, go through so much, and more than a lot of people know. And yet you are always freaking there for everyone, and never bring us down, and it's just...amazing. I love you because of everything you do and are and all the strength you are showing right now, and I love you because I know exactly what you're going through to such a lesser degree, and I want you to always come to me like you do now, only times forever and ever. Remember what an awesome little shortie you are, and how little the extra asshole deserves you.
Steph...How can someone not love this girl and her exceptional craziness? Yesyesyesiloveit. And I don't remember how I was making it through during that 8th grade crap, eh? And regardless of the crap that I know comes, remember how loved you are Stephanie Corriher. Because it is a lot times 104238710958710239857. Yes, yes it is.
Lauren Ashley Valentino...I just heart you a lot, for all of this crap. And I do not like, no not at all, that you're going through this drahmah when you deserve what you should be getting so much more than so many.

And the obvious, whom I love more than words. And hate the idea that I could have anything to do with anything that makes you unhappy because...as little time as I've known you, you're just so incredibly strong. And eye heart everything about you, and I almost wish you were angry and bitter so I wouldn't feel so bad but you are such an amazingly wonderful person. And I think you already know all of this but...it's just the way it is. I Love You times 9879865076195871623958716598 trillion billion million.

And that was just a random burst of friendlovationness.

posted by Teresa at 6:09 PM


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IHCMAHGRHAHHG.
mrehehehehehe.
mrehehehehehe.
die and burn in hell, my friend, for the unnecessary pain you cause others.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 5:11 PM


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Yesterday after I posted, I went to sleep.
Do you know when I woke up?
6:15 AM.
12 hours of sleep on a school night, kiss that.
And now, I am going to take another nap.
This time, I am setting the alarm.
However, this constant extreme tiredness is very disconcerting...
If I have mono, I will loff extremaly hard.
~~always~-*tess*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 4:56 PM


wMonday, October 13, 2003


And I've done all I can
To stand on the steps with
My heart in my hands.
But now, I'm starting to think...
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me.

Today is a beautiful day to recount the events of the past few, and then curl up in my pretty plaid Abita quilt and fall asleep to thoughts of betterness, ahh.
Tell me everything.
Well, let's just start with Thursday, shall we?
That day was megaincrediblerockation, to a huge extent. All I really remember is a nottoohard chem, and great lunch, and running out and begging for money to buy a barbecue ticket during math. Mrow, good stuff. After school was Caribou with Ian and Stern, which was supposed to be like ClaireIanSternElbieChrisandsomeotherpeopletoo but due to various things such as a sleepy clairebear and band running over, it was just us three. That was, quite possibly, the pickmeup of the week. Especially the free Caramel Coolers. : D
Friday was...mm, I don't remember. Oh yeah, the biblical/egyptian lit test kicking my booty. And then drama...talking with Elbster and Fat Russian and Lauren Ross, and getting dumped like 310498372041987320 times in our little skit thing. Lovely, eh? And then oh yeah gym, and spending like 20 minutes "in the bathroom" out at the barbecue. Fiesta! And then the real barbecue, which gave me one of those remarkably poignant moments that's just mrow. : ) I know what you'll say/ This won't last longer than the rest of the day/ But you're wrong this time, you're wrong. And then spanish, which was its own crazay self, you know. And after school...sleep, then crazy packation with Steph and Deeds, then losing at homecoming in the rain. Homecoming was wonderfulous though. I hearted it: good friends, good times, an old fleece jacket, chilly October, thefattiestpieceofpizza...you know the drill. Then off to Fat Russian's to write a speech, talk on the phone, and go to bed. : )
Saturday- up at 4:45 (makes me want to cry just remembering) for showers and getting dressed and running off to school. Yay ahahahaa NO. Then was the tourney, which was rather uneventful...Geeta and I were in a varsity chamber, which kinda blew due to the fact that like half the people in there had been to freaking NATIONALS. Hotdamn. So we didn't place, but the award ceremony rockated. The energy was so high, I lessthanthree that so much. MP got 2nd. Mrow! Then the ride home, which was deep conversations and musical orgasms and hunger pains. Ah. Then to DD's, where Erin gave massages and I ate pizza and cake and went to bed. (Sleeepsleepsleep!)And if you need confirmation, baby, I understand/ It's alright if you want me to tell you you, you got my only heart. Yeah, you got my only heart...
Sunday was waking up at 10 for Humanities. Rawwwwwrergh. Oh, and flashing Greg's neighborhood, that was nice too. Then coming home entirely exhausted just to have it all fixated. Then sleep, sweet sleep. Then dinner, then some phone and crazy font competitions, then chem, then sleep (around 1). I adore you but, there's a hole in the cup that should hold my love. If you let, if you let, if you let me leave, I swear I never will....

Which brings us to today!
HEY KIDS
WHAT DOES AGAMEMNON DO?
OH YEAH
AGAMEMNON ROCKS!
: D It's sooooo good to have it over with. And I have to say, one more weekend with the Nazis and I probably would have imploded. So, I'm just glad it's done, and well done at that. And I just love our death scene...So live and let die.
Chem was a sub. So rockation, yes. The work was easy and we had fun with our group efforts.
And all of your things
Tell the sweetest story line.
Your tears on these sheets
And your footsteps are down the hall.
Mrow.
So tell me what I did
I can't find where the moment went wrongatall.
You can be mad in the morning
I'll take back what I said.
Just don't
Leave me
Alone here
It's cold baby, come back to bed.
I <3 John Mayer, loadsandloads.
Lunch was wonderfulous, acourse. Math was easy and SHORT, for once!
I survive on the breath you are finished with.
Physics was aight, Elbie and I took a nice leisurely walk around campus. : D
After school I chilled with Stern and then SEX and WHAT'S THAT STERN? YOU WANT TO BANG THE LOCKERS WHAAAA?
: ) And then to Caribou with Alex and Lisa and then Lucy after a while. That was pretty cool.
And now, I am just tired, and wishing that I could dictate my thoughts and feelings to myself, because it would be so much easier.
It's cold, baby
Come back to bed
Why don't you come back to bed?
Don't hold your love over my head
Don't hold your love over my head
Don't hold your love over my head
Don't hold your love over my head.
Ninety eight and six degrees of separation from you, baby-
Don't hold your love.
~~always~-*tess*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 5:52 PM


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I <3 my mom's Joni CD.
Sleep, too, but after all...no rest for the weary.

The last time I saw Richard was Detroit in '68
And he told me all romantics meet the same fate someday-
Cynical and drunk and boring someone in some dark cafe.
"You laugh," he said, "you think you're immune-
Go look at your eyes, they're full of moon.
You like roses, and kisses, and pretty men to tell you
All those pretty lies."
Pretty lies
When you gonna realize they're only pretty lies
Only pretty lies, just pretty lies.

He put a quarter in the Wurlitzer and he pushed
Three buttons and the thing began to whirr.
And a bar maid came by in fishnet stockings and a bow tie,
And she said "Drink up now it's gettin' on time to close"
"Richard, you haven't really changed", I said.
"It's just that now you're romanticizing some pain that's in your head
You got tombs in your eyes, but the songs you punched are dreaming.
Listen, they sing of love so sweet, love so sweet.
When you gonna get yourself back on your feet?"
Oh and love can be so sweet
Love so sweet

Richard got married to a figure skater
And he bought her a dishwasher and a coffee percolator
And he drinks at home now, most nights with the TV on.
And all the house lights left up bright
I'm gonna blow this damn candle out
I don't want nobody comin' over to my table
I got nothing to talk to anybody about.
All good dreamers pass this way some day-
Hidin' behind bottles in dark cafes, dark cafes
Only a dark cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings and fly away.
Only a phase
These dark cafe days.

~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 12:14 AM


wSunday, October 12, 2003


Now, breakfast. Next, humanities. Then, more humanities.
Meggo and I are having way too much fun with this sex stuff. woooooooohoooo.
You know that overall soreness you get when you're sick and tired and probably have a fever and haven't slept in your own bed for like 72 hours and just want to go home and curl up and feel better?
mm, yeah.
See you guys around 5/6ish.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 10:50 AM


wSaturday, October 11, 2003


This song is beauty and if I wasn't so tired I would marry it.

Slow dancing on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the city’s still dark
Sleepwalking through the summer rain and the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothing but her love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of something that you lost

And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be

Night swimming in her diamond dress
Making small circles move across the surface
Stand watching from the steady shore
Feeling wide open and waiting for
Something warm and tender
Now she's moving further from you
There was nothing that could make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you
That she's walking wrong

Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
And everything that was your world
Just came down

Day breaking on the boulevard
Feel the sun warming up your second hand heart
Light swimming right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday

For all you know
Yeah, this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
Girl, what you wanna be.

~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 11:00 PM


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What if every mile of highway looks the same?
What if the miles never change?
- are the thoughts running through my head at 8:30 tonight staring out the window of the bus at lights that I don't know. And around me are these people that I love or admire or sometimes don't know and they're all alive, so alive and invigorated, and it's Maroon 5 singing and hearts breaking in my ear, like when you turn up the volume so it drowns you in emotion, so it drowns the laughter chatter around you, so it drowns the wind that tugs at your hair, and it's cold to remind you it's October and you're wrapped in a sweatshirt that smells of times you have loved. I get the feeling that I get when I'm in awe of the way music takes you back, not to a time, but to an era of who you were and who you have been.
These chords are so deep I think that I could die happy, and not wonder, and be unselfish. And the tightness of my throat is a combination of the sentiment of the evening, and the wind- the way it chokes, and the hoarseness from screaming FAT RUSSIAN and WAY TO GO YALL at the top of my lungs in an auditorium that reeks of conservative Christians.
Sometimes I wonder why it is only in a moment that we capture these possiblities, like the opportunity to never have to fake it again.
A lot of life is mystery but I've been up since quarter of five this morning and I'm too tired to figure it out. I talked to people about music, the experience and not the noun.
This one moment that I stole from this one night, and it is pure exhilaration. And all I want to do is grab the feeling and run with it and take off and never have to give it away to someone else and the way they'll make and break my heart and days. And this is what I want in life, is pure exhilaration, is to find a place where I can wake up every day and know that I am alive, I can hold the person I love and still love myself, and I can let the little things make my day, I am invigorated, I am exhilarated, this is all I want.
Sometimes that's what I think but then I don't remember if it's worth giving credit to or not, because, after all, I've been up for 16 hours now and in the past three nights I've gotten 10 hours of sleep combined.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 10:53 PM


wThursday, October 09, 2003


guess what i don't even care that i have five speeches to go because i am going to freaking bed.
i lost my barbecue ticket, don't ask me how that happened because I DONT FREAKING KNOW it was in my pocket and everything, fuck it i'll just sneak out or something i hope.
or maybe someone who can sneak out easier will give me theirs. i am too tired to think and i do not want to go to school and take that stupid english test tomorrow. i have not studied at all.
in addition, my head hurts and my computer just fucked itself. i feel like crying so i think i will. this is the dumbest entry ever and i hope you will not listen to it. damn what is it about thursday nights that just always seem to fuck me over?
>>>EDIT: I found my bbq ticket after this. It was in my backpack. I felt dumb, then happy. And then I went to bed...now it's Friday morning, today will be doing speeches during classes and the english test (pleaseshootme). Yeah that's all. <3 Adios, kids.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D


posted by Teresa at 10:50 PM


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THREE DOWN feels really good until i remember it means FIVE TO GO
oh well i dont care its not like i was expecting to sleep tonight anyway
or tomorrow night
or the next night
or...rawr.
whatever, it's break time. : )

posted by Teresa at 9:39 PM


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a brief sampling of messages received...

Gig Harbor 1102 [9:02 PM]: 0 down, 0 to go. i love that about extemp.
Gig Harbor 1102 [9:02 PM]: sorry i couldnt resist

geeta0207 [9:07 PM]: ur writing six
geeta0207 [9:07 PM]: damn gurl
geeta0207 [9:07 PM]: im writing 5
geeta0207 [9:07 PM]: i have 2 down 3 to go
geeta0207 [9:13 PM]: i been up till 12 cause of these speeches

and my favorite... : )

cetgoddess [8:55 PM]: tessy bessy bo bessy, banana fanny fo fessy, me my momessy, TESSY
cetgoddess [8:57 PM]: i <3 you!

Back to the grind.

posted by Teresa at 9:11 PM


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Two down, six to go.

Auto response from Miamigirl1288 [8:53 PM]: two down!, six to go.
leave the love, i need it.
mmmmvanillacoke [8:53 PM]: i feel the pain
mmmmvanillacoke [8:53 PM]: not really but im trying

posted by Teresa at 8:49 PM


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One down, seven to go.
save me please i am so sleepy
all i want to do is cuddle up in my bed and think happy thoughts and sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
Also I have no ability to focus whatsoever, did i mention that yet?
yeah uhhuh
THE ADD IS RUBBING OFF ON ME.
Chris and Claire and all the rest of you, this is like ADDBA (add by association) ALL OVER AGAIN.
MROW IT NEEDS TO STOP SO I CAN GO TO BED.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 8:19 PM


w


Can I get your hand to write on?

Today has been pretty fantabulistic, but there's no time to write on that now.
There are twelve bills for the Bob Jones tourney.
I need to write at least eight speeches.
That leaves me with...eight to go.
Yes, screwed would be the word. Or perhaps fucked. Royally.
I don't even know how to focus anymore, it's pathetic.
Okay.
This is it. Time to get the rear in gear.
PS- I had a supercool adventure today during math. It was neat. Woot.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 7:58 PM


wWednesday, October 08, 2003


cetgoddess (10:38:10 PM): be careful, you might fall into the great, gaping chasm of teresa amazingifiedness

This love has taken its toll on me.
: D i <3 my friends...speaking of which, guess who just imd me?
If you said HANNAH GEARHEART you are SO right. Hot damn, I miss that girl loooooads and I was just thinking of calling her the other day. That rocks my world.
Unlike chem and physics and math.
They need to die a hundred million deaths, as does my shitload of debate work. No idea what I'm going to do about it.
On a brighter note, sleep comes quickly in a chariot drawn by white horses. On the side of the chariot, it says 11:00 PM (ALMOST SEVEN HOURS FREAK OUT).

~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 10:38 PM


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Death to the next person who asks me a homework question.
Thanks to the people who are listening.
Fuck being female.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 4:49 PM


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Oh yeah, ps on the bitchin part...the reason for all of this chaos is, of course, soccer. Because both parents will be out of town. Fiesta, only not.

posted by Teresa at 4:35 PM


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Commence bitchation.
You spotted the ocean
At the head of the trail
Where are we going?
So far away.
Somebody told me
This is the place
Where everything's better
And everything's safe.
You walk on the ocean...
I do not expect to catch up on the extreme amounts of sleep that I am lacking until...um, Tuesday night.
Today, I have math and chem bookwork. After that, I have loads of physics. And I need to get at least four speeches done, for the tourney on Sat. And add to that teaching the kindergarteners, which is great but absolutely drains me energywise.
Tomorrow, I have English test studying out the wazoo, hopefully including a study group to load up on caffeine. Add to that figuring out stuff for the Drama presentation, and reading the spanish thing, and finishing up however many speeches it takes me to get to ten, depending on what I do for today.
Friday, I get home 4ish if I'm lucky, after some Humanities work. I intend to sleep until the game, then I'll go (probably half asleep), then I'll go to Dasha's. Then we'll go (sadly, probably straight) to sleep. Several hours later (try 6 AM), I'll be at Myers Park, getting on a bus. I'll probably spend the time on the bus memorizing my Humanities script. I'll do my thing at the tourney, and get home at 9 if I'm lucky. Then I'll go to DD's and go (sadly, probably straight) to sleep. Then I'll wake up the next morning for an 11:00 humanities meeting, which will go until 5 if I'm lucky. Then I'll have an hour of church, then I'll probably have some unknown as of yet homework to do. THEN I will go straight to bed. THEN I will get to school at 6:30 AM on Monday, the day of the presentation, and then that afternoon, I will come home and sleep. Forever.
But that is like...96 hours from now. Or something. My mind doesn't even work anymore.
I don't know why I'm even wasting time writing all this up. Mreh.
Oh yeah, and on the same bitchy note, some people in my humanities group are really pissing me off beyond belief.
Conclude bitchation.
Today was aight. I am very busy. Now: work. Later: CCD. Later later: work, more.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D


posted by Teresa at 4:34 PM


wTuesday, October 07, 2003


I am angry with the world.
World, I shake my fist at you.
Pshahhhhh.
I will FAIL the spanish test, and mi madre will have a heart attack.
DAMMIT I really need to get my life together and start focusing in class and stuff.
Um yes I just realized that in order to get this so-called "stuff" together I need to write six debate speeches tomorrow afternoon.
That is SO not going to happen. Major suckation.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 10:52 PM


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Ignore the bullshit at the top, and just skip to the song that I hope says it all in the words I couldn't find to describe this era, this epoch, this hour, this feeling. I get a funny feeling when I look at things around me and the coincidental irony is all yours this time.

You know those blog entries that take you about a billion years to write, because you think of what you want to say, but then realize there are constraints on that....and then realize you can't even insinuate, because your insinuations might be taken all wrong and then you want to just pound the keyboard in vexation and lack of fixation?
Yeah.

a;lsdif; oawieu;ldijoia9u4ew3rawtireyp852ueifjdkhvkjb s
7444643sdf adfpigu;oa9w84eur09234uofdhlkiusdafoic883wupwnhyranu

That's enough of that.
I want to say some things and then I realize they contradict themselves and it's not fair is the moral of the story. And then I feel even more frustrated just for saying that.
I hope the message is clear in all the jumble, and some people anger me just because they're so everythingimnot in so many ways.
I am sick of puzzling things out, so I'll puzzle the lyrics. You have my permission to do the same.
On another note, ...my job his job your job print job blow job BOOK OF JOB! : D

You must be gone by now.
I can tell somehow.
One hand on the trigger of the telephone
Wondering when the call comes
Where you say "It's alright-
You got your heart, right?"
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch till you come back home, oh right
I can't find a flight.
Share the sadness
Split-screen sadness.
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight.
All you need is love is a lie cause
People have love and they still say goodbye.
Now we're tired, battered fighters
And it stings when it's nobody's fault cause there's
Nothing to blame at the drop of your name.
It's only
The air you took, and the breath you left.
So maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch till you come back home, oh right
I can't find a flight.
So I
Check the weather wherever you are
Cause I wanna know if you can see the stars tonight-
Might be my only right.
Share the sadness
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Split-screen sadness
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Share the sadness
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
Split-screen sadness
Two wrongs make it all alright tonight
I called
Because
I just
Need to feel you on the line
Don't hang up this time.
...I still wish you'd fought me till your dying day
Don't let it get away.
Cause I can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
So I can say this is the way that I used to be
There's no substitute for time.
Or for the sadness
Split-screen sadness
Share the sadness
Split-screen sadness
Oh, and the sadness
It's alright, it's alright
Oh, and the sadness
It's alright, it's alright...
It's alright, it's alright.

Now, shower and Spanish.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 9:14 PM


wMonday, October 06, 2003


It has been a long time since I have naturalhighed off of friendship but I think I'm getting the feeling. I love Lauren and Claire so much. Therearenotevenwords.
I've taken to eliminating spaces like that because sometimes things really are justoneword. Like that, you see?
I feel like I'm living some surreal wonderful person's life, the life of someone who deserves the things that happen to her. Because no way could I be thatperson.
Sometimes I miss the way thingshavebeen and usedtobe but change is inevitable, so heartbreakingly inevitable. I hate the way you can lose a moment, and once you do, you can never get it back.
I hate hanging up the phone, even on someone who annoys you.
Does it ever occur to you that every time you say goodbye could be the last?
I want to tell the world that it has another chance, I want to tell my life and myself (that part of me that fucks everything over) that this is the chance, this is the opportunity, there is always another opportunity not to screw things up.
Sometimes it's crazy how much impact one person and one experience can have on you. Sometimes a week with one person is like two years with another. This has nothing to do with anything.
And you don't wanna be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past.
And you don't wanna look much closer
Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed-
And it did.
Because of me.
When I get tired of trying to puzzle me out, I puzzle lyrics out instead. It works out quite nicely. Mostthingsdo. Isn't that what you said. What you thought this song meant...
I want.
I was going to finish that sentence, and then I didn't.
Sometimes I don't know who I am. Sometimes I wish I didn't.
Have you ever felt like your secrets give you away?
You're not alone.
At the end of last school year I wrote up a list of things to never forget. Maybe I will write it up here sometime.
This blog is changing, a bit. I have, as well.
I want. To leave that sentence empty.
I hate feeling like people will think I'm directing something at something when I'm not, and I wish I weren't so easy to get, to everyone except for myself.
I love to hear people laugh, or that feeling when someone smiles and they're smiling just for you, and you know it.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 11:01 PM


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I need something more to show somehow.
Never again, no...no, never again.

Life has a funny way...
My hands feel like alligator skin and they've been like that for like a week and it's gross and it's worst right after I get out of the shower and I do NOT like it so I must find a way to fix it.
A lot of things need fixing, but I'm too lazy to take care of them.
That's awful, isn't it? And exactly the reason why I learn to hate some people...because they're too lazy to repair a friendship and just walk away and leave things in shambles.
And now I'm doing the same thing myself. Damn, I'm such a freaking hypocrite.
Lauren and I are really close lately. It's nice to not have major bitchation and backstabbation and tensionation in that friendship and it rocks my week.
I feel like a frappucino. Venti Chocolate Brownie, please.
I drew a line. I drew a line for you...
Everything is all fun and games and then sometimes it's real.
For you, I bleed myself dry.
I need to be doing my math homework but ask me if I give. Hah, I don't.
I also need to burn Lauren's jm.
DAMNIT. is how i feel, for various reasons.
Sometimes people remember you and you didn't think they would and it makes you feel odd and you hope they don't ask you uncomfortable questions that hit too close to home.
Tonight I Had A Subway Sub. A book by Me.
I wish I was six again. No, five. So I could wear my white tutu with the silver sequined star and dance around the Miami playroom in December sunshine.
I wish it was December, even though October is my favorite.
September was fast, October will be sultry slow.
I took a nap today. I blew the world history test. I named one of the mountain ranges THE ALPS and for the frenchman who translated the Rosetta I put PIERRE.
Six billion points for me.
Homework time.
I am sucking at a lot of things right now. Fixation should be the word of the day.

~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 9:31 PM


wSunday, October 05, 2003


chrisv958 (9:18:58 PM): SHOWER?!?!?!

Auto response from miamigirl1288 (9:18:58 PM): shower.

chrisv958 (9:19:04 PM): AND YOU'RE NOT STUDYING?!?!?!??!
chrisv958 (9:19:36 PM): WHAT KIND OF IBSTUDENTWHOHASAMASSIVEWORLDHISTORYTESTTHENEXTDAY
COVERINGEVERYINGSAIDTOBECOVEREDINTHEPASTSIXWEEKS STUDENT ARE YOU!?!?!?!?
chrisv958 (9:19:44 PM): oh well, back to notes... :-/

Today has been a clear example of IB and HUMANITIES EATING ME ALIVE
ITS TAKING OVER MY LIFE AND I MUST FIGHT BUT IT IS FUTILE
AHHHHHHHHHH.

chrisv958 (9:22:20 PM): not enough IB, eh?
chrisv958 (9:22:25 PM): not enough humanities, i see.
chrisv958 (9:22:26 PM): need more?
chrisv958 (9:22:30 PM): DO MY WORK :-D

um yes. woke up at 9, went to mass. came home. read the world history book. went to caribou. studied with deeds and dash. studied a bit more with claire. went to claires house and "studied" some more. went to gregs house and did oresteia and ate marvelous spaghetti. came home. showered. now phone study. and spanish.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh THIS IS MY LIFE FOR THE NEXT TWO AND THREE QUARTER YEARS

chrisv958 (9:34:05 PM): THE MUUSSSSSLIIIMMMSSS. NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

My new decision for drama is to memorize a paragraph of the world history textbook and read it, WITH EMOTION THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Stern: Just accent like, random words. That's what I do when I want to show emotion.

TheAfterGlow5 (9:24:03 PM): honey none of us are gonan do well on this just let it go

~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 9:33 PM


wSaturday, October 04, 2003


you might not want to read this, because i'm naturalhighing off of john mayer and something corporate and i might be accidentally trying to say something i'm not.
This evening, I took a walk in the dark around my neighborhood. I thought I heard something like a rustling in the underbrush and I was afraid that it was a rapist or a construction worker or a big dog like this one I saw when I was riding in a car with some people in my math class but it was nothing except for my imagination. Remember when we were little and grown-ups would tell you things were just your imagination when you got paranoid? There was a song that those kids on Barney sang one time about not being afraid of the dark. I used to be afraid, but not anymore...
Sometimes I think I'm more afraid then ever. Sometimes I think I need to be.
My parents tell me that when I was little I used to sing songs to myself. Tying my shoes, Teresa's tying her shoes, the little nina is tying her shoes, Teresita, Teresita. Mom sang that for me the other day in the car and I almost laughed and then I thought about how Dad can't sing a note in the world and I can't really either but I'll never sing like that again, I'll never sing a song to myself about tying my shoes in Spanglish with that carefreeedness and nowadays when I make up words I usually notice unless it's a typo but I tend to edit things.
Sometimes I think I used to be a perfectionist but I changed. Change is inevitable. I think I used to care more but the world made me hard and now I don't because I can't and maybe that's no way to live a life.
I've changed a lot, that's what everyone tells me, and what I tell myself.
I've had this blog for less than a year.
Sometimes I think I get by on hardly any pain, like today when I sat on the roof with Lauren and she told me what she told me and I knew that she was right but I lied to myself and tried to pretend that she wasn't. Sometimes I hate myself because I don't just put things on here exactly the way they happen and also I wonder if this counts as clean and real because it's not like my grandparents had it.
This makes no sense, I'm sorry.
One time up here I think I said I wouldn't apologize anymore but I'm sure it was a lie because I lie a lot up here, especially when I try to fake it. Tell me everything. Well, when I was in kindergarten in Riviera Day School, I lied to my parents and told them I was a cheerleader. I wanted to be a cheerleader because the cheerleaders were in 5th grade and I read books like Sweet Valley High and that was how I knew that I should be a cheerleader so that I could be pretty and popular and all of those things that some people like to pretend are what matter, but I know they don't, even though I lie to myself when I say that and in other ways as well. Actually I guess it wasn't Sweet Valley High, I guess it was Sweet Valley Twins or something like that.
After I lied, I got in trouble. I still get in trouble for lying, like the other weekend after festival in the park when I got in trouble for saying I'd done my piano and I hadn't so my mom got mad and yelled at me and then I had to come home. My mom does that a lot, yell at me I mean. She says she's not yelling and I'm just overly sensitive to people raising their voices and I think that's true, too, because I'm an auditory learner and I remember, too, when I used to go to afterschool at the Harris YMCA and me and Gabby and Ashley and sometimes Karen would go and we got Lance Barbecue chips for after school snack on the good days.
I remember last year when Mr. Fuller played that song for us, Tracy Chapman's Fast Car, and I liked it even though a lot of other people didn't I don't think. At Barringer, we used to listen to and sing songs and we got to sit on the floor and play the mallets, and I liked when I got the kind there were two of because it was okay if I messed up. One time, we listened to Silent Night, and it made me close my eyes and feel like crying because they played that at Abita's funeral.
Sometimes I think I should have more pain in my life, because only sometimes do I hurt every day. And the only big things that have happened to me, by other people's standards, are Abita and Uncle John. And Uncle John I hardly knew even though I did cry over him and I did love him a lot and sometimes I wish I lived in Chile so I could be friends with Talaura and Mariana who I liked a lot and John Joseph too because they're people and I have some of the same blood as them but I don't know their favorite colors. Thinking about Abita doesn't really hurt me anymore but it hurts now when I say that. I don't remember her very well but I don't think she was very pretty but maybe that's just because the last time I saw her she was being eaten alive by a tumor in her stomach. She was thin and she wore a red and white plaid nightgown and then we all cried when we said goodbye, and it was me and Mom and Gabby and Arya and Marcella and Chad and Dad, but only the girls cried, and not Marcella. I think Arya was still called Francesca back then. When I went into Abita's room to say goodbye it was Sunday, May 4th, and she cried too, and she said "We will see each other again". I wrote it in my notebook on the drive home from Fripp so I wouldn't forget. I'm glad I did that, and I'd do it again if we were back then, because I haven't changed in that regard. Then on May 7th I was doing my poetry booklet on my bed before the beds were bunked and Mommy came running up the stairs and she said "Abita has died" but she wasn't saying it, she was crying it like when you throw yourself down on your bed and choke from the pain in the tears and you think you'll never stop. And I finished my sentence and put down my pencil and I cried but only for a second and a half, and then I went down and held Gabby while she cried and Daddy said that was good, that I could be there for other people. I think I was wearing my thin cotton pajamas that had kittens in boxes on them. Afterwards I went upstairs and did some more of my poetry booklet. Chad was already asleep. The next day Mom decided to take me and Gabby to Connecticut and I brought my poetry booklet and slept and worked on it in the car. I kept waking up and thinking it wasn't real, but it was. That was the red Saturn car that we used to have. Then we almost got lost on the way to the funeral home but we finally made it. Inside, we picked out a coffin and now I feel like crying thinking about this. At the funeral I met a lot of people and had to be the meet and greet for my family because Mom didn't want to and Dad's not blood related and I was the oldest. I met Katherine Paterson and before that she had signed my books, Bridge To Terabithia and Flip-Flop Girl. I never really liked Flip-Flop Girl because it made me frustrated and sad, and I had to stop reading and remember that it wasn't really my Daddy who had died and my little brother who didn't talk anymore. I used to like to read in the black and white striped armchair in my living room but I didn't sit in it, I lay in it sideways with my head on one arm and my feet draped over the other. That doesn't work anymore because I got bigger.
I liked Bridge To Terabithia, though, and especially the part about how the girl, Leslie, would just run and run because she liked to run and she was fast. Like this summer, I used to go for evening walks on the beach with my walkman and listen to Michelle Branch and think about things that I'd rather forget and I liked it best when there was nobody there so I could sing to the ocean and sometimes just run toward the harbor, run and run and run and one time I stumbled and almost fell and so I laughed at myself. Another time I dropped a quarter in the sand because I was burying something and then I wrote Tess Was Here in the sand with my toes and feet and there were footprints all around it though so you could hardly tell which part was the writing and which part was the walking.
I used to like to do that in Fripp, back when the private beach was actually a beach instead of just a pier, and I would write SOS in the sand with a stick because Chad thought it was funny. That was before Abita died, too, and before we even built her room. Have I ever written about her room? In the house at Fripp, there's a porch room built into the balcony with screened walls and red tiled floor and Abita wanted it built before she died so Grandpa built it for her. We called it Abita's room, and it still smelled like new when she died. She was so thin, so very thin, when she died. I remember on May 4th she was on the phone and Marcella was there too and I think they talked to Aunt Nelly in Colombia and they talked in Spanish. I used to know more Spanish than I do now. Abita used to give Chad these little hard candies and she'd let him pick them out of a tin and he'd pick the ones that were stuck five or six together and Gabby and I weren't jealous because, I don't know, we just weren't.
Abita always said that I would be a writer, and she got excited over little things I did and said, like when I was in 3rd grade and wrote a poem about a butterfly and she put it up on the bulletin board in front of her desk where she wrote short stories for the collection she finished right before she died, like in the book Dancing Shoes. I used to love those books, Ballet Shoes and Dancing Shoes and Theater Shoes.
I used to be a ballerina and I should've stuck with it, but I didn't. I also wrote a Halloween story for Mrs. Roberts that Abita really liked. Mrs. Roberts died of cancer, I forgot that until just now. I used to play soccer and basketball and softball, and when I was in second grade I starred in a play about some kids who saved the rainforest. That was a long time ago, just like my Abita memories.
At Abita's funeral, Aunt Arya, maybe she was Arya already, gave us teddy bears and I've never liked mine as much as I like Gabby's. For a long time after Abita died, Grandpa's eyes were always small and red and you could hardly even tell what color they were cause they were so swollen. When he first met Grandma Pat, he used to start singing to himself, and Mommy said it meant he was happy. Grandma Pat used to bring us Beanie Babies, and we would divide them out. At Thanksgiving, she would take Gabby and I to Limited Too. She doesn't really do that anymore, because she and Grandpa had to spend a lot of money on the double mortgages for the two houses- the Fripp one and the other South Carolina one. They had to leave the Fripp house and the Abita room and the painting of the garden girls on the wall and Abita's study because Grandpa couldn't make it up the stairs anymore, because he got in a car accident in Miami when Gabby was only a year old because some people stole Abita's purse in a hotel parking lot and he tried to get it back but they just ran him over, and then people said he wouldn't drive again but he did. I remember that night when Grandpa was in the hospital, Abita was crying while she tried to unbutton her shirt with her one unbroken arm. Mom went and helped her. I was wearing my long pajamas with the different colored dancing men on them.
Sometimes I wonder how Grandpa fell in love again, and I wonder if he loves Grandma Pat as much. He is her third husband and she was widowed twice before that. Her birthday was yesterday. I really love my Grandpa.
There is a picture on the piano of me in the nightgown I had that matched Gabby's and Abita in her bathrobe and we are reading a book of poetry. We used to read that book every night when I was there, and also we watched figure skating and Law and Order on the TV in her room.
I wrote all of that just to write it, and I hope no one actually read the whole thing. It wasn't building up to anything either.
Sometimes you should do things just to do them. My hands hurt a little bit from typing. Mom still cries about Abita, like when we visited her grave over the summer. I hardly remember her, and that hurts me. I hate the fact that everyone dies eventually, not including myself. I'll be ready to die someday, but I'll never be ready to let other people go.
There used to be a booklet in the center of the breakfast table at Fripp that was about losing a loved one to cancer. It isn't there anymore, and that house still hasn't sold.
~~always~-*teresa*

posted by Teresa at 11:42 PM


w


And castle walls just lead me to despair.

"How do I say- I need you to be John Mayer, without saying it like that?"

Today has been pretty cool. Up late last night watching Newlyweds and on the phone ("Pass me around, I'm like a bottle of beer- oh yeah, only...on the phone"). Hah, good times.
After that was sleep, and then waking up at 11 for waffles and a shower before heading to Lauren's. That was exceptionally perfect,
hooray.
Hah, forgive me- this just popped into my head.
New John Mayer CD: $10.74
The Lizzie McGuire Movie as a rental: $4.29
Cookie dough ingredients: $11.17
That irreplaceable feeling of autumn and love and just, yum: priceless.
So cliche. I apologize.
We chilled and watched the movie and took a walk to the playground and sat on the roof and it was lovely.
Now I am going to go take a short walk, I believe...or maybe just a nap. And after that, I will take a nice long bubble bath with the new CD. And after that, I will watch a movie or something. And after that, I will go to bed. If I'm feeling particularly sad and IB-y, I may do some homework.
Whatever. I feel...happy.
Hah, the most lovely thing in the world is being able to describe how you're feeling with just that one word.


~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 7:11 PM


wFriday, October 03, 2003


Sometimes, I feel dumb...
Oh, like right now.

posted by Teresa at 11:21 PM


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Hot damn, babysitting sucks- though the kids weren't half as annoying as I expected. And the little girl's gotten so incredibly cute, aw.
I spent a couple hours en telefono con Lauren, and now am wasting the remaining 45 minutes max till los padres vuelven a casa. Please let it be soon, please let it be soon.
I want to...go home, stay up late, and fall asleep at an unexpected moment.
Ah, bliss- Lights in the driveway!, I must go and check.
Please be them, please be them.
Adios for now.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 9:37 PM


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Um, did I mention that today rocks?

posted by Teresa at 4:32 PM


w


Today rocked, despite being a B day.
Waking up early to finish the chem and math I'd ignored last night kinda blew, but it's all good. Oh yeah, and I came SO unspeakably close to wearing pajamas today. It took me like 15 minutes to convince myself to change out of them, so comfy. Yum. And I had icecream for breakfast, double yum.
Humanities rocked due to the lack of quizness. Chem was gross, as always, but it was funny as hell. ("Knock-knock!" "who's there?" "BARIUM!" "Barium who?" "Bury em, all the science teachers!") Lunch was cool, what with print jobs and heat triangles (or something to that effect...)- math was aight. 88 on the test, which is about where i expected, and i get what we've just started, so hopefully we'll have another test before the quarter's out. Then physics, which was so-so, but greatly enhanced by visits to ratemyteacher.com. Muahaha.
And then after school was icecream and abandon at dd's house, and now i'm back for phone and maybe some sleep before babysitting for the most annoying kids alive.

By the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretending that it somehow lingered on.
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever-
And I will pay no mind
When it won't, and it won't
Cause it can't, just can't
It's not supposed to.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 4:13 PM


wThursday, October 02, 2003


Could you whisper in my ear the things you wanna hear?
I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide...

Sometimes, stuff sucks, and it's nobody's fault at all.
Sometimes, a whole day sucks, and it's nobody's fault at all.
But sometimes, just enough goes right that you can be up at 10:10 with tons of math and chem still left and still feel perfectly alright, and perhaps the fault is entirely waiting to be given away.

Put your arms around me-
What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful.
Wanna get married, or run away?

Humanities was fine, Drama was fine, Gym was the discussion of momentous epiphanies and the lack of public appreciation, Lunch was fine, Spanish was the usual craziness.

Could you slide into my room
Could you slide into my room and I will run away, run away, run away...

Sometimes, you have to trust yourself, trust your instincts, trust people. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be easy.
Thursdays always kinda blow.
If I get a C in math, no driver's ed for me...I think I need some icecream.
DD and I finished Swimfan. It was great. Next: Abandon.
Tomorrow: babysitting.
Went to Maggie's to do Humanities. It was actually on the fun side, how sad and IB-y is that. Maggie's like wonderwoman or something. She should've won for homecoming...
I would really like to go to sleep and not wake up until I feel better, but I can't.
Math and chem are taking over my life...did you know?
Just had a random thought about the math project. Damnit, I'm so screwed over. Like two weeks till it's due, fuck.
And this feeling I buried in you...it only hurts when I breathe.
^DD's new favorite song. It's aight.

I just want to be happy...don't we all? This entry has absolutely nothing to do with how I'm really feeling, because half of me is quite fine, and the other half is quite lovely really, and the other half is almost...angry?, and the other half's just cynical.
Bet you didn't know I had four halves, eh?

When you say- it's alright
You got your heart, right?
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 10:20 PM


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lilac6887 (4:12:42 PM): OMGOMGOMGGG

holy crap guess what lila (and i) just found out...there is a way to make audio posts on your blog.
YES TELL ME HOW COOL THAT IS.
SUPER COOL WE ALREADY KNOW.
and you dont even have to have a microphone you just CALL on the PHONE neeeeeeat. the first one is free (but only one minute) and if you go to lila's blog and listen to her awesome audio post you will see the WONDERFULNESS that this is.
i'm saving mine for when i feel reaaaalllly special though.
: D on another quick note, today would be described as bleh. Very October secondy. Not sure what that means, it just seems right. Rawr.

~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 4:17 PM


wWednesday, October 01, 2003


It's October.
The days keep rolling past, and there's nothing I can do to stop them.
Not that I'm saying I want to- stop them, or change them, come to think of it.
But September's my favorite month and it felt like two weeks.
Fall makes you feel more, it makes everything more nostalgic- bittersweet, it makes life brighter.
Leaves go from green to brown and tans have faded.
And oh, the poignance of a moment as it unfolds.
~~always~-*teresa*
;-D

posted by Teresa at 5:48 PM