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Today this girl is
and/but
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wThursday, January 30, 2003 |
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I'm a Shirley Temple, discover your ALcoHoLiC personality!
CONGRATS!
You're an Shirley Temple! In the alcoholic world, you have no respect. You can't hold your liqour, you're usually designated driver, and in general, you're just a woman/bad person.
yay for me! ;-) no respect, yeah baby...
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 7:21 PM
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wWednesday, January 29, 2003 |
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SOOOO glad to finally be done with Cobra. YAY!!!...but i can't even come home and relax, because it's time to get yelled at for my report card...oh no. heaven forbid. A 'B' in math. in my stupid 6 pt class. oops. forgive my sinfulness. no really.
anliker gave me a ONE in conduct for BOTH classes...i swear she must be delusional...
and I have a TON of math hmwk tonight, and my OO to be done, and EOC cards...SIGH.
LONG SIGH.
But ya know what, it's okay. Today I am thankful for being able to sit next to DD in Drama, getting a decent recommendation from Mrs. Anliker, being safely done with Cobra, having fun wheeling carts around in biology, laughing with lauren, my warm and soft red hoodie, getting skittles from jackson, doing well on my ELP quiz, getting a hug, and talking with priya and christine after school.
There we go.
:-) Now if I could only STOP procrastinating and get to my stupid math homework...
Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me
Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame
Maybe I will tell you all about it
when I'm in the mood
to lose my way but let me say
~"3x5", John Mayer
~~Always~-*tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 4:03 PM
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wTuesday, January 28, 2003 |
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You know how music just touches you sometimes, and a certain song reaches deep inside your heart, and pulls out your soul, and turns it into notes and voices and tones and pitches?
" Neon "
When sky blue gets dark enough
To see the colors of the city lights
A trail of ruby red and diamond white
Hits her like a sunrise
She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
Tonight she's out to lose herself
And find a high on Peachtree Street
From mixed drinks to techno beats it's always
Heavy into everything
She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She's slipping through my hands
She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away
I can't be her angel now
You know it's not my place to hold her down
And it's hard for me to take a stand
When I would take her anyway I can
She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She's slipping through my hands
She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away
I do.
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 8:38 PM
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wMonday, January 27, 2003 |
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The way we loved it was magical
Truly wonderful
It was me and you're so beautiful
And I know that you feel this too
Will our dreams come true
I believe in you
Show me the way to my better days
What's the price to pay
If I follow you
Plans you change the present rearranged
If we don't know the path the future we can't attain
So I maintain, dealt my hands so I deal with it
Know what is truth, myself
I stay real with it
- "America", Santana (featuring P.O.D)
posted by
Teresa at 9:38 PM
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wSunday, January 26, 2003 |
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i am finished with #s 7, 8, 9, 13, 15, 16, 17, 1, and 3 of Cobra. I already know what I am going to write for #s 11 and 14. I am basically prepared for # 2. So all I still have to do is 2, 4, 5, 6, 11, 12, and 14. And all i am still just about clueless on is 4, 5, 6, and 12. So if you can help me on any of those, im or email please?
I feel very much...under control. I had a relatively good day...even though people are irritating me and making me feel, like i said, really bad about myself, i am still okay. i am just...okay. Not sad. Not happy. Not even quite in that in-between place...just okay.
That's nice.
The superbowl was a slam dunk for...tampa i think. yes. they beat oakland. i bet you already knew that. I watched the halftime show...shania twain was awful but gwen stefani made up for it. :-) Megan called and I was happy because we don't talk much and she's a sweetheart. EVERYONE is sick, and it's really depressing. DD is sick, Michael is sick, Ian is sick, Josh is sick, Jill is sick, and Laur might be sick. She thinks she got it from Dean. Which would make the whole flu thing one great big sad circle. I REALLY REALLY hope I don't get it. Whatever it is. or at any rate, not until after i turn in Cobra.
Report cards Wednesday, as Arun so cheerfully reminded me...another day to get yelled at for my horrible terrible very bad 'B' in math. Heaven forbid I should be so imperfect. sigh.
I wanted to go to the Y today but Mom and Dad didn't tell the babysitter from hell to drive me so whatever. sigh.
Well before I ruin my "okay" mood by reinforcing all the sadnesses in my day...
G'nite. I love you, whoever you are.
You have succeeded in life when all you really want is only what you really need. ~Vernon Howard
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 9:59 PM
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Okay well i am actually done with...bum bum bum...EIGHT parts of cobra...even though i should really be sure to edit some of them...and i'm going to do...#s 11, 14, and 10 and maybe even 5 before i go to bed tonight...which'll leave me with only #s 2, 3, 4, 6, and 12 before wednesday...*sigh* i KNEW i shouldn't've procrastinated...
but i'd still be in a pretty good mood if it weren't for the fact that a certain person who i really don't want to name because i don't wanna piss them off or anything just has this...way. Of making me feel really, really, really inadequate. Actually another certain somebody sort of does this too. but the original certain person (confused yet?) does it a lot more. I'm around them or talking to them or something and i just feel like shit. everything i do...even stuff i'm proud of, they make me question it, they put me down, and i'm not even sure they mean to but it's every day, they take the things i used to be proud of and mash them into a million pieces with their words...like that line from Jewel "you could hurt me using the sharp end of what you say" that's so true. i just feel so down on myself, so awful, and they just rub it in rub it in rub it in...and even stuff i feel certain of, they question it, they put it down for me...i don't know if i can be friends with someone who makes me feel so awful. i don't know. i just can't feel so damn inadequate, so damn...SECOND BEST all the time...i can't be proud of myself, i can't feel good about myself when i'm around them.
You cannot be comfortable without your own approval. ~Mark Twain
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 5:20 PM
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How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Emotional Wreck. You are extremely emotional. You feel contentment moreso than happiness and your emotional lows are to the extreme. You need to cheer up and start enjoying your life. Where there is rain there is a rainbow and you need to see it more than others. Do something that makes you happy.
riiiiight...
anything to keep my mind off the cobra i SHOULD be doing... right? :-)
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 2:25 PM
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wSaturday, January 25, 2003 |
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Today was a fulfilling day. I did 5.9 out of the 7 cobra parts i'd planned to do, practiced piano, spent time with mom, got in a workout, watched a movie with the rents, and chatted with friends.
I'm in a good mood. :-D
I think my little resolution things are actually working, because I'm trying to stop overanalyzing stuff, and i just feel so much...better.
The babysitter from hell is coming tomorrow at like 10:15 after an early mass, because Mom and Dad are going away for a night...blah.
I'll have to spend the day on Cobra crap again, but that's okay, I'm ready to be productive...
even though I have to do my FF homework too which'll make it triply hard to focus...ah well.
Now that I'm in a decent mood I sure as hell hope it stays that way. It feels nice to realize all the bad things about my life right now...
and still be able to love it.
Please call tomorrow, I'm in a mood to chat...704 366 8201...*this means YOU* ;-)
lotsa luv
The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. ~Eric Hoffer, Reflections On The Human Condition
I think in terms of the day's resolutions, not the years'. ~Henry Moore
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 11:54 PM
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wFriday, January 24, 2003 |
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yay for tip insightful-ness
CCOLIAS: haha ah yes procrastination.. one of the greatest of the -ations
CCOLIAS: the tool of the lazy
:-D so true, so very true
i've posted like 10 times in the last hour
ok 2...but in the last 10 minutes
you get the idea
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 9:01 PM
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Forgot to share my other exciting...little...resolution thingy:
let loose.
i make the most hugest *yes it's a word...or at least, now it is* deals out of the most smallest things in the entire world.
and i am GOING to quit it.
I NEED to quit it.
Because otherwise, I am never going to be happy.
And I can't keep living knowing that...I overanalyze things so much that I take the happiness out of everything.
Even a perfectly good relationship.
Which should, which could, so easily make me happy.
I just have to let it.
Happiness is never stopping to think if you are. ~Palmer Sondreal
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 8:51 PM
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Spent the day with my neighbor, Gabby and Chad...had a snowball fight, made cookies, ATE cookies, etc, etc, etc...i LOVE the snow days SO MUCH! Good stuff...
Today I decided that I really really really wish I was an introvert...and I really don't think it's something I can change. Laur said it's more about where you get your energy from...and I think that's true, I really get my energy from other people. When I'm around people who irritate me or when I'm fighting with a friend or when the people around me are depressed...well, I'm just...so...blah. Ugh. And that really sucks. When I'm around other people I'm able to hide from...myself (cliche-sounding i know, yet true...) and then I'm alone, or something screws me over, and I'm just depressed and lonely and I feel awful because there's nowhere to run.
So I've decided...my newest resolution is to try and feel better about myself, feel more accomplished, feel okay about who i am independent of other people and their opinions of me.
That's it.
And in that spirit, I've decided I'd better stop focusing on all the drama...even though it's mostly over...and getting THAT totally resolved, and start focusing on Cobra.
Sadly, it hasn't just...i don't know...gone away.
That SUCKS.
So...not that you care in the slightest...I'm going to write my little tentative schedule for tomorrow up here. And if you're reading this, and I'm online, and it's not written in as a break time...IM me and harass me like crazy. K?
Good, I knew I could count on you ;-)
10:30 Wake up
10:30-11:00 Piano practice
11:00-1:00 Cobra #s 7, 8, 9, and 10
1:00-1:30 Lunch
1:30-2:00 read so my mom will get off my back about how i should be making more effort to up my verbal SATs:-\
2:00-3:30 Cobra #s 15, 16, and 14 OR 17
3:30-4:00 get ready to go to Y with mom, take break if time
7:00 CALL ME NOW! *break time*...oh yeah and maybe dinner too :-)
8:00 14 OR 17, whichever I didn't already do...and anything else I didn't have time for earlier
and the SAT cards I should've already done
and then relax
and SLEEP
Sunday...while I'm feeling oh-so-inspired...
8:30 wake up
god that's too early
9:00-10:00 church
10:00 greet the babysitter from hell and say goodbye to the parents. how come THEY get to take a break?
10:15-12:15 Cobra #s 1 and 2
12:15-12:45 lunch
12:45-1:15 piano
1:15-2:00 Cobra #s 11 and 12
2:00-3:00 break
3:00-3:30 Cobra #13
3:30-5:00 Cobra #6
Rest of the night...BREAK! YAY!
And if all goes well with my pretty little plan...i'll be done with everything except...3, 4, and 5. I think. IF i manage to fulfill the plan. Which is probably totally unrealistic in terms of how much time I'm spending on each thing...oh well.
Whoo-hoo anyway.
See, everything's under control...
Lotsa luv
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. ~Mark Twain
Beautiful...but i guess now it's time to face the music. or do i mean the virus.
lol
~~Always~-*Tess*
posted by
Teresa at 7:20 PM
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Making up with Lauren makes me SO happy.
:-)
Making up with Arun makes me happy too.
:-)
Getting sexually harassed at Cotswold Mall is a little different...
and getting grounded for buying a halter (which will, obviously, corrupt me to the bones)...
and freezing my ass off...
well not too happy.
But another snow day...
and sledding and hot chocolate...
and being with DD or Laur or any of you guys...
happy happy happy.
Trying to pretend that Cobra doesn't exist...
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 12:29 AM
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wThursday, January 23, 2003 |
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SNOW!
I love you guys! I love the snow! and everything is just plain beautiful again...
*let it snow*
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 8:40 AM
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wWednesday, January 22, 2003 |
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Piano class was a bitch, as always, but at least I didn't get the "Are you sure you're prioritizing your life correctly?" speech...
dinner at wendys...cuz that was all we had time for...nasty nasty nasty fatty fast food
ugh
and about to go to lector training at the church. whoo-hoo for community service and contributing to the church community.
and then...
THE BACHELORETTE!!!!!
- yay!
I'm trying to be in a good mood despite the fact that i'm still super frustrated/angry...
but the only homework i have tonight is SAT cards, easy shit
post again later, time to go to church
luv ya guys
no quote, sorry...
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 6:50 PM
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I don't know if the person who I want to read this, along with the past like...3 entries....is gonna read this or not, but I'm gonna talk as if they will anyway.
I don't like to fight. I really don't. I mean, I know I get involved in a lot of drama...but the people I care about, I really don't like to fight with them. I'm usually the one who someone else is mad at...and they get mad at me, and I get upset, and I just want to be friends again, to get over it, to move on. But sorry honey, that's not the case this time.
I am angry. Full out, no shit, angry. And i hate it because I hate being angry! I just want to be able to move on! But I know that if I put my anger aside and just go back to being friends, I may be happy in the short run...but in the long run, resentment and anger and bitterness will just build up more and more and more. I feel like I have a right to be angry. You meddled in something you shouldn't have. You screwed up. And I am truly convicted of this...you know that I can only go so long being angry with you. And when you are ready to talk, I will be here. Absolutely. But be prepared for the fact that we're not just gonna ease back into friendship. I'm angry. And I'm not just gonna let it go this time.
I care about you so much. And if our friendship ended it would absolutely rip me up. You know that. But I don't want support. I want friendship. And I want an apology.
I hope this doesn't sound too harsh...but I AM angry. I still love you. Call when you're ready.
You know the #.
It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. ~William Blake
~~Always~-*Tess*
posted by
Teresa at 4:18 PM
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wTuesday, January 21, 2003 |
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what did you expect to happen after you fulfilled this "sort of responsibility that you owed to everyone"? what did you expect HE would do? how did you WANT him to react? what did you WANT him to say to me? how did YOU want things to unfold (since, obviously, it's SO your business. it SO relates to you...)? Responsibility, my ass. Tell the real reason. We both know you didn't owe him anything.
You couldn't sit back and watch what you knew would happen? What's that? Huh? And how can you know? How? When you never talked to me about it.
I don't want to be angry. But you know me. I think with my heart, not with my head.
Wait strike that. Not about the way i think. About you knowing me.
~Sometimes you're wrong.~
Why?
I don't want to be angry with you. You know I care about you. But I don't think I can just forgive and forget. I don't think you even want me too. You knew how this would result, didn't you? You knew I'd find out, you knew I'd confront you...don't act so innocent. Don't act so matter of fact. You saw me get hurt through and through the first time. And you know that I don't blame that on anyone. And now I'm getting hurt again. Worse, because I care more. You know that. And where do you think I'll place the blame?
Because now I can't trust you. I can't watch myself get hurt and then dive right back in to get hurt again. I just can't. I can't trust either one of you.
~~
Sorry I keep posting about this in little pieces....lotsa luv guys
~~Always~-*Teresa*
posted by
Teresa at 8:19 PM
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Sometimes you're wrong.
~~~~
if you admit it wasn't your place then why'd you get involved to begin with
he already admitted that he was wrong
that he misinterpreted
which he did
i can't believe you
that you would support that without fucking talking to me yourself
we both know he exaggerates sometimes
and you just supported him without hearing a word from my mouth
don't you know how much i care
don't you know that things will never be the same
how can you say you're sorry when you know you're not?
i don't think you're jealous
never came to mind till you said it
did you think before you told him to go ahead? did you think about the fact that he might be wrong about what he heard? did you even know the whole story? did you realize that this isn't something you can ever take back, that this might stand between us forever? did you consider the idea that you should hear it for yourself? did you stop to know both sides? did you figure out how HE would be told? did you remember how much i care about HIM? did you understand that things between you and me, me and him, me and HIM...it'll all change now? Do you honestly think you know what "would've happened"? Do you know that I can never reverse what you've done, what you've done to their minds? Did you consider the situation you were putting me in? Did you realize that I have nowhere to go now, nowhere to run, no way to explain, no way to feel safe, no way to trust? Did you stop to care about me, did you stop to talk to me, did you stop to think?
no
no
no
~~~~~~
sometimes you think that the people who you tell everything to...well, you're naive enough to think they know you. Naive enough to think that they know you well enough to understand you, to understand the kind of thing that hurts you the most, to understand that you might make mistakes, to understand who you are. Sometimes you think they'll stop and think before they hurt you. Sometimes you think they'll listen before they speak. Sometimes you think they'll protect you. Understand you. Care.
~~~~
Sometimes you're wrong.
~~~~
You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment unless you trust enough. ~Frank Crane
~~Always~-*Teresa*
posted by
Teresa at 7:02 PM
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lauren please call
it's really important
everyone else...you too...
- tess
just tell me the truth now please
posted by
Teresa at 4:54 PM
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I don't wanna go through this whole damn thing again. I don't even wanna hear about it. You tell me something bad, all my friends, only me, you tell me just enough to make my heart sink far enough that I might break down, you don't tell me enough. Why are you doing this to me? I don't care who you promised, I don't care what you think, you bring it up, you cut me down, just spit it out. I'm sick of your dishonesty, I'm sick of all your lying, you know I care, just don't pretend you think it doesn't hurt. You know it hurts, you know I cry, so why do you pretend? I don't wanna face another long cold day alone. I don't wanna bleed again, I don't wanna hurt inside...how can you even think that I'm not hurt? You know me. You know who I am, I've told you my secrets, I've bled for you too, I've broken their trust, but you don't give a damn. Not a damn in the world. And I don't wanna bleed again, and that's the end of it...I don't want your goddamned pity. Not your misdirected pity. I just want your trust and your respect. Want you to care.
Don't say goodbye don't stay don't go if you're not real then i don't care. If you're not real then i'll just pretend that I don't need you anymore. You think that I can trust you when I know how much you hide? And nothing's ever gonna be the same again, you hide behind your i just can'ts you hide behind you'll just have to wait and i can't keep acting like things are still the same. You know I know they're not. I don't have time, have energy, have heart enough...to walk through this hell again. It hurts I cry just turn around...I know that you're not blind. i know you know. Don't even bother.
~~Always~-*Tess*
posted by
Teresa at 4:18 PM
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wMonday, January 20, 2003 |
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he called again! :-)
worked out...yay for burning calories on the crosstrainer and NOT cancelling it out with m&ms afterwards...yay for dinner at chicken out...yay for new shoes...yay for trying not to stress out....
got mad at arun today...not something i wanna talk about...but then i felt bad so i apologized...
yeah will edit this post later, hafta go...lotsa luv- tess
posted by
Teresa at 9:00 PM
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wow, haven't posted in a while
so i worked out with dd at the Y sat afternoon, and then to make up for doing something healthy i was an idiot and cancelled it out by eating m&ms and chips...haha...the Y needs an all-you-can-eat buffet...RIGHT? :-) talked to chris and lauren (bollinger, not valentino) at the end, that was cool, going to work out again today.
Watched figure skating (MICHELLE KWAN WON HER SEVENTH NATIONALS!!!!!! WHOO-HOO!!!!) that evening, was supposed to be babysitting for gabby and chad but just watched the skating, talked to rich, talked to laur, all fun and happy...
woke up sunday morning, had french toast, went to church, came home, practiced piano, went to Old Navy, didn't see any shirts i liked so i bought some valentine mints and body mist stuff with my giftcard (thanks to grandma lol)...came home, took a bath, laur came over, we got ready, fun fun crazy stuff, arun came and then rich...and we were off.
suffered in the car while mom embarassed me oh well...got to the theater, laur convinced arun (her not-date lol) to buy her ticket haha, saw Maura and her friend, admired the leaves on the wall of the lobby of the theater lol! ;-), and then went in and watched catch me if you can...pretty good movie even though they dragged out the ending to all eternity...came back to the lobby, laur and i freezed our asses off while waiting for the rents, and then we went home. it was great. really fun. *not the freezing our asses part...but the rest? YES*
so laur and i watched the end of romy and michelle's high school reunion, ate brownies (ack the fat...), and went to bed...got up this morning, cleaned up our huge mess from last night, ate pancakes, talked to my mom, and then her parents came. oh yeah and arun called us too. all in all, good stuff.
so i hafta go work on cobra, i luv ya guys, ugh i hate mrs.horowitz...my computer just screwed itself up, so a quote will come next entry. haha.
but on spazzing...
Lauren: Hon, just breathe. Sometimes you just have to stop. Stop and think to yourself...
I'm a FRICKING RETARD!
Thanks Laur. No really.
lotsa luv!!!!!! *i'm in such a good mood!*
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 1:11 PM
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wSaturday, January 18, 2003 |
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My little sister comes home from her basketball game, glares at my brother and dad, stomps upstairs, and says, "Tess, why are girls SO MUCH better than boys? At school and at sports and at being nice and at everything! Boys are all jerks. All of them."
From the mouths of babes ;-)
Babes without hormones.
That kinda says something, doesn't it...
Huh.
I always try to remember, and to remind others as well, of the fact that Ginger Rogers did EVERYTHING Fred Astaire did. But backwards. And in high heels. ~ Faith Whittlesey
lol!
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 12:37 PM
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wFriday, January 17, 2003 |
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Ya know when you really want something, and you hope for it in that it'll prolly never happen kind of way? and then it HAPPENS? and it's not that it's not as good as you thought it would be...it's just that it complicates your life by about ten billion percent? and you're just thinking...maybe i should've just been happy before? But at the same time, you KNOW you should be happy, so you feel GUILTY? And then you're worried over everything even though you know you should just let loose? and then you start to worry MORE, about the fact that you might never be happy, because when you don't have what you want, you're unhappy because you don't, and when you GET what you want, you're unhappy because you worry that everything won't go quite right? Yeah. Well, I do.
Nerves and butterflies are fine - they're a physical sign that you're mentally ready and eager. You have to get the butterflies to fly in formation, that's the trick. ~Steve Bull
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 7:43 PM
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wThursday, January 16, 2003 |
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Well, more exams -> bio and math...stress stress stress...bio was an absolute bitch to me...and i snapped at arun and laur cuz i was so tired out afterwards...and now all I wanna do is crawl under the covers and go to sleep but I can't because I've still gotta get through debate and elp...ugh. Should be studying.
I really wanna hang with dd, josh, tk tom...but i can't cuz of my stupid overprotective bitch mom. dammit.
dd and i will go to the y prolly, chill at cotswold, maybe do an overnight...we'll see...i really hope it snows. but i think we're gonna have school anyway.
i'm in an okay mood...just wanna get these last exams over with really. *sigh* i'm SO tired. I hafta call Lauren to study. I love you world!
I hope it snows, I wanna go to school, but I want it to snow anyway...it's snowing in DACULA for god's sake! DACULA, GEORGIA!!!...
NcGaSweets25: ITS SNOWING!
Miamigirl1288: No WAY!
NcGaSweets25: yuh uh!!!!
i went ouside and the flakes are fallngg on me!
Miamigirl1288: NOT FAIR
Miamigirl1288: why isn't it snowing here damnit, we're further north
NcGaSweets25: well u HAD snow...its OUR turn!
haha. Lots of luv to my wonderful georgia ppls.
Yes. A quote!
And to he who says my writing is useless, my writing is nothing...I can only tell you that my writing will explain to you that which is too fragile to be spoken aloud, and in the same breath, too pressing to remain silent. ~Charlotte Bronte
~~Always~-*Tess*
posted by
Teresa at 4:45 PM
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wWednesday, January 15, 2003 |
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YAY for easy exams...and a ONE HUNDRED for 20% of my ff grade...and YAY for the bachelorette...and YAY for finding a GREAT lyrics quote...
Almost convinced me
You're gonna stick around
But everybody knows
Almost doesn't count
So maybe I'll be here
Maybe I'll see you around
That's the way it goes
Almost doesn't count - "Almost Doesn't Count", Brandy
And, for once, your guess is prolly right. Unless you're a dumbass. Ha.
Today after break...well...I don't wanna bash anyone, but you can probably figure out who this refers to...
Teresa: Ya know, only ONE word comes to mind here...
Lauren: Starts with an 'a'...
Both: Rhymes with WALKWARD....
hahahaha. Yeah. I lost my piano books today, hadn't practiced all week and meant to make up for it this afternoon, but it turns out i'd left the music at the piano school, so my teacher chewed me out. Oh well. Dad's out of town, I certainly miss him...Daddies are great. :-)
Everybody is depressed lately. *sigh*. I mean, I'm not complaining, I'm there for you guys, you should know that, and you have pretty good reasons (haha) but it's still upsetting. Why can't we all just be HAPPY! ;-) yeah right.
So anyway...tomorrow's my hardest exam day. *sigh*. But it might snow on FRIDAY!!!! Please, please, please...god i love the snow! *So there, Anliker!!*
Oh, anliker was SOOOO cool today, letting me listen to my walkman and everything, it was great, my essay was total bullshit.
I think I'm in a good mood. Hrm. We'll see how long that'll last now won't we...
"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called. ~A.A. Milne
That's happiness. Thank you Pooh Bear for that beautiful piece of insight. :-) Seriously, A.A. Milne probably makes more sense than just about anyone else in the whole frickin universe.
Fragmented memories
Of where we used to be
Lying on the floor.
Beside the laughs I never laughed
And ice cold tears that fell.
Do you think I'll look for you?
Do you think I'll search?
But I'm not lonely
I don't care
Fragmented on the floor
You know that roses have their thorns
But truth already shows
And I hope you bleed
No, I'm not bitter for
The reddest rose
Just close your eyes
Give me away
Oh, I hope you bleed.
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 7:33 PM
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wTuesday, January 14, 2003 |
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I feel like shit. Emotionally. Physically. Everything-ly. Ugh. '24', great episode, incredibly shocking...tomorrow's the bachelorette, the best show in the world, yay for things to look forward to. Another day of exams, ugh. ugh. ugh.
lots of quotes to share.
Well I don't want
To see you waiting
I've already gone
Too far away
I still can't keep
The day from ending
No more
Messed up reasons
For me to stay
Well this is not for real
Afraid to feel
I just hit the floor
Don't ask for more
I'm wasting my time
I'm wasting my time
You can't stop the feeling
And there's no reason
Let's make the call
And take it all again
O-oh again/
Months went by
With us pretending
When did our light turn
From green to red?
I took a chance and
Left you standing
Lost the will to
Do this once again - "Wasting My Time", Default
Yeah. Good song. Better song...:
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel deep in my own world
but I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
On a different day if I was safe in my own skin
then I wouldn't feel so lost and so frightened
But this is today and I'm lost in my own skin
I wanna be honestly ok
And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore
Just wanna be honestly ok
I just want to feel safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again - "Honestly OK", Dido
*sigh*. take a shower and go to bed. sleep. no pain. lol.
Stressed out because of DD losing Hannah's bio notebook and that whole fiasco...sometimes i kinda worry about dd...i feel like we're growing apart, and that's tough, ya know?
Yeah.
Laur and I were talking about colleges today...I wonder if I can put "Talking on the phone" and "Laughing despite internal emotions" on my resume? I laugh a lot. Hrm. But even when I feel like shit inside, I'd rather laugh than cry. There's something so brightening about laughing, so optimistic about the sound...does this mean I'm hiding myself again? Oh well. Who cares. I'm going to sleep.
I will be happy. I will be happy. I will be happy...
Like this morning by SC: "It's only 20% of my semester grade. It's only 20% of my semester grade. It's only 20% of my sem-...no, no, that's definitely NOT helping..."
or on the phone with laur..."It's not that I'm afraid of getting hurt again...wait, no, no...yeah, that's definitely it."
*deeper sigh*
I LOVE YOU GUYS!
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 10:34 PM
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Who? Me? Masking myself behind quotes and lyrics? What on earth would make you think THAT?!
Last time I talked to you,
you were lonely and out of place./
You were looking down on me,
lost out in space./
Laid underneath the stars,
strung out and feeling brave./
Watch the riddles glow,
watch them float away./
Down here in the atmosphere,
garbage and city lights,
you gotta save your tired soul,
you gotta save our lives./
Turn on the radio,
to find you on sattellite,
I'm waiting for the sky to fall,
I'm waiting for a sign./
All we are is all so far./
You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there./
You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 4:44 PM
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feelin pretty good today...i mean, i got done with my math exam! my hardest one, and it's OVER WITH
and there's no studying for eng/ff, so today i can just plain chill for a while, eat lean pockets, watch tv, listen to music, chat on the phone...i'm just trying not to worry about all the crap in life
the math exam was REALLY REALLY HARD, yet easier than i expected...THAT'S an oxymoron!...drama was okay, no biggie, i think i did fine...
some people are pissing me off because they cant keep my fucking secrets...::cough cough:: but like i said i'm trying to stay laidback or whatever...its all good...
tomorrow i'm wearing my fleece pants :-)! hurray!
AND tomorrow's the bachelorette! YAY!
life is SO good to me...wow. i have such major mood swings from day to day. See last entry. I am SO happy right now, just so RELAXED...even though my brain hurts from studying and shit...and my hand hurts from writing, and my back hurts from staring at the desk, and my eyes hurt from staring at the tests, and...everything...ugh. bubble bath. YES.
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip. ~Daniel L. Reardon
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 3:03 PM
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wMonday, January 13, 2003 |
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I have probs. Seriously. It's 10:45 at night, and I'm too stressed out about exams to get some sleep for them. Norah Jones is just making me more nervous...my parents have pushed me into this thought that college IS everything. and the disappointing psats and the stress of the exams...
i cant fall asleep cuz i have those what-ifs all the time lately. what if my sats never improve any more? what if i bomb an exam? what if i forget my binder? what if i get a B? what if what if what if
and i know you guys think its funny or pathetic or whatever that i care so much but i really dont have a choice...if i dont make it into a good college, in my parents eyes im basically a failure. and it scares me to think about what'll happen later...i hafta live for today and today only, otherwise i get caught up in the what ifs, its hard enough to remember how to live. im scared that i cant handle my exams, cant handle ib, cant handle anything, what if im just a failure what if ill never be good enough what if what if what if
i dont know but im about to have a nervous breakdown about my math exams...i just dunno if i can get that big semester A and what if what if what if
Sometimes the most important thing in a whole day is the rest we take between two deep breaths. ~Etty Hillesum
~~Always~- *your incredibly STRESSED OUT Tess...*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 10:48 PM
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So today we got our PSATs back...I was disappointed in mine, not terribly so, but NOT happy either. :-( oh well...like Anliker says, it's not like they count...
so then i chilled in elp...trashketball, mucho fun...my mom yelled at me for PSAT scores, got me really upset, said they just weren't good enough...what is, if i may ask????! so i was upset even more about them. went to the bank and deposited my tip $.
Came home, chatted with arun for a bit, trying to figure out which teacher i should ask for my TIP recommendation...Anliker? I mean, I know she's not too fond of my...shall we say...talkative tendencies...but i basically have to get my english teacher or elp...and i really do like anliker so...
Lauren's really upset right now, obviously it is NOT my business to tell you why but it really sucks, it's upsetting me, hence the imood...ugh, goodness i LOVE my friends...seeing them upset just sucks. in general.
Well exams start tomorrow, that sucks...I really need to go study for Math. And Drama. Man I'm about to spazz out exams stress me SO MUCH...surprising, huh? i know what you're thinking...TERESA? STRESSED?? NEVER!!!
So yeah...by the way, my whole swearing off of guys thing? Nope. *sighs deeply* I swear, I get infatuated SO easily...and by the way, if you have a guess, i can just about guarantee you that its wrong :-). OOH...big secret...;-)...
So ANYWAY, i WILL go study, i WILL go study, i WILL go study...
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. ~ Jennifer Yane
Studying sucks.
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 4:49 PM
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wSunday, January 12, 2003 |
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so I went to hannah's, and we (me, laur, hannah)..."studied" for 5 hours...well actually, we probably ended up STUDYING for a total of like...2...but it did help us for biology, and elp, and a little bit for math and languages...
but it was fun...and just to let you know HOW MUCH FUN it was...
Quotes From a "Study Group"
working on ELP...
Hannah: Okay guy, name the court case that ruled separate vs. equal, and the one that overturned it.
*prolonged pause...*
Lauren: Oh, wait! Plessy V. Ferguson...and then...Brown V. Board of Education! Hmmmmm...what underwear am I wearing today...?
Teresa: Ummm...right...you okay there Laur?
Lauren: Look! *Teresa and Hannah turn away quickly* They say Tuesday on them! and they have a little rainbow! Cuz they're HAPPY...because whoever gets into my pants will be HAPPY! ::laughs uncontrollably:: I think I'm high...
A LITTLE WHILE LATER...
Lauren: *pulls sweatshirt over head* I'm in my quiet place...
Teresa: *grabs sweatshirt from Lauren* ...now I'M in your quiet place!!!
Lauren: *grabs it back* NO! My quiet place is full of NAKED MEN...GO AWAY! It's MINE!
Hannah: You guys, my parents'll be home in like 15 minutes, and we've barely opened a book...!
Lauren: But we've learned SO much!
MOVING ON...
Hannah: How often is the House of Representatives elected?
Lauren: *Dr. Evil voice...* 68 and a half YEARS!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHA...
Teresa: BULLSHIT!
Hannah: Seriously Teresa, what's your guess...?
Teresa: BULLSHIT!
And RANDOM QUOTES FROM BREAK...
Lauren: Two butts instead of one. My cup runneth over.
...
Teresa: What a great song. I'd love to have sex to this song.
Lauren: I'd love to have sex...in general...
...
SO IN CONCLUSION...
textbooks: $50 each
pack of pencils: $2.99
Chips (brain food): $4.67
Laughing your ass off while "studying" with great friends (good times, good times...): Priceless.
How beautiful.
So I guess you have an idea of my day now, don't you...so now I'm gonna do my drama essay and talk to lauren on the phone and study for math exam. Stressing over math and bio exams SO MUCH...*sigh*
A quote!
One flight down/ there's a song on low/ and your mind just picked up on the sound/ now you know you're wrong/ because it drifts like smoke/ and it's been there playing all along/ now you know/ now you know...the cadence rolls in broken/ plays it over and then goes...now you know/ now you know ~ Norah Jones, "One Flight Down"
~~Always~-*Teresa*
posted by
Teresa at 7:28 PM
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ok so i'm gonna try some little html experiments here
and the first one is that imood indicator crap
whoo-hoo for me...
why am i accomplished? well, i managed the html, didn't I?! :-)
did it work?
and the other one is laur's blog
If you want to see Lauren's blog, go here.
did THAT work?
luv ya guys!
no quote, sorry...
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 11:22 AM
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wSaturday, January 11, 2003 |
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On the phone with Laur, complaining about how we both have NO life and NOTHING to do...
Teresa: (in singsongy voice) I need a boyfriend...
Lauren: (in MORE singsongy voice) I need a DRINK...
and 5 minutes later...
Lauren: I NEED SOME BLOODY CHOCOLATE!
Later on...
Lauren and Teresa: Today on Analyzing Dysfunctional Relationships, we're going to be playing the "Who's Going Out With Who?" game. Now, in this relationship, we have
TERESA, the cat's owner....
LAUREN, the cat....
and NEIL, the mouse...
Now we turn to the audience...So who's in THIS relationship?!?!
Audience: "Lauren and Neil! Teresa and Lauren! No, Lauren and Neil, NO TERESA AND LAUREN..."
Teresa and Lauren: We are dismayed to have to inform you that TERESA AND NEIL are the ones in THIS relationship...which ended oh-so-tragically a few weeks ago...
Audience: Ooooh...Aaaaaah...
Yeah. I'm really bored. So ya know...fun times with laur laur. haha.
and btw, i've sworn off guys. we all know how long that will last, don't we...
lotsa luv...but WAIT a quote!
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women. ~Nicole Hollander
~~Always~- *Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 9:29 PM
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Last night, went to bed around midnight, because my mom said i need more sleep...and then, this morning, i slept till like 1:30 cuz she'd gone out around 10 and then she comes home at 1:30 and starts screaming at me to wake up and like bitching out cuz 13 1/2 hours is TOO MUCH sleep...hello? TOO MUCH? SLEEP? not even IN my vocab here...she's like you need to go study and i'm like hello i study my ass off for most of my tests, i'm not a frickin idiot of course i'm gonna study for exams and she's like you need to get an early start on the day and i'm just like. right. okay mom. yeah. uh-huh...and then she's like but wait you can't study till you've cleaned your room. and i'm like okay i'll clean my room later. she's like no, i'm not gonna let you study until you clean. Right mom, cuz ya know me, i'm just dying to go study my ass off...whatever. Parents just suck. In general.
Right so now instead of studying or cleaning...i'm listening to some more Norah Jones and whatever...btw, the TIP account is officially at $190...whoo-hoo only...*counts on fingers* $310 to go. If anyone has ANY ideas as to how exactly I can raise $310...or a babysitting job you can't do or ANYTHING like that...PLEASE call me, PLEASE OH PLEASE because Tip...for those of you who don't know...it's just everything that matters all in one little 3 weeks, it means SO much...*
Starysunday5488: ...it's not just a thing, it's one more thing to get up for, one more day closer to TIP...
* I dreamed about TIP last night, only gabby was there...yeah just a little bit funked up...
not much else to say, i'm really just procrastinating cuz i don't feel like studying...ugh ugh ugh. Anyone who wants to study with me PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE call, it's in the directory though cuz posting my # on this thing can so NOT be a good idea...yeah but PLEASE call
sadly i must leave
but WAIT! a QUOTE! *from Mollie's away message...*
Sometimes it takes a rainy day / just to let you know everything's gonna be alright. / I've been dreaming in the sun / won't you wake me up someone? / I need a little peace of mind... / When you open up your life to the living
All things come spilling in on you. / And you're flowing like a river, the changer and the changed/
You've got to spill some over - Cris Williamson
~~Always~- *Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 2:50 PM
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wFriday, January 10, 2003 |
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Been feeling lonely and frustrated SO...
I have decided to do something that is against everything in my stupid mind that says i should keep the important stuff inside and, even though i know the whole world can see this if they want to, I'm going to post right now how i feel and what i think about neil. wow. i said his name. on the blog...good for me. haha...Okay. The thing is this. Yeah it hurts to be dumped. Of course. Especially when it's on-fucking-line. and it's a "hey im dumping u" after almost a 3 month relationship...so i definitely wasn't too cool with that. And I was sad, and depressed, and all that shit for a while afterwards, for those of you who didn't know. And every once in a while, it still gets me down- it frustrates me, and makes me angry, cuz I just don't get it or him or whatever. BUT I'm over him...as in yeah, I really am, and at this point, I'm really just like "whatever" about the whole deal...ya know, today, i give josh my pizza $, and neil ends up standing in the line for josh, so josh tells him to buy my piece too...and instead of giving me my piece of pizza, he GIVES IT TO JOSH TO GIVE TO ME. Yes, he walks right past me...but Ya know, I mean...whatever! I'm not happy about being awkward, and I'm not happy about him saying that "no one likes me and dd" but I can't change it! I can't change him! If he wants for there to be fucking tension and awkwardness and shit between us for NINETY FUCKING MINUTES every single A Day, whatever! It's his choice...and if he wants problems, there'll be problems. But I, for one, can remember that before a relationship there was a friendship. And he made a decision that he wanted the relationship to be over. But does that mean the friendship has to be over too? In his mind, apparently, yes. His decision. Like I said. Unless he starts saying something that really gets to me or trying to influence other people's opinions of me, I'm cool...he's gonna do what he's gonna do, and ya know it's hard 4 me cuz i always care so much about the rest of the world's opinion on me...but eventually ya gotta stop caring and start growing and living and being. And all in all i feel like the whole experience helped me...it was right when it happened, and now it's over. And you cry, but you wipe your tears, and you move on, and you learn a little and for a while you're scared of being hurt, because you got screwed over...but then you're okay. And it doesn't matter anymore because it's not about him, it's not about the past, it's about you, and it's about now. He's him. I'm me. And despite the fact that we have the SAME frickin group of friends, we can probably go the rest of high school without saying more than 100 words to one another...if that's what he wants. Whatever. Really don't care. Ooh but I could keep track...right now we're at... 19. yippee. Ideally, we could just go back to being friends, but that's really not neil, apparently. But when he decides he's okay with being friends, I'm still gonna be here. I'm not gonna just disappear from the world if he ignores me...So whatever. Moving on...
I got a 104 on my Bio quest!!!!! YAY for me! bringing the grand average up to a...93.1!!!!!! WHOO-HOO!!!!
And my little sister got 6th place in the regional spelling bee...disappointing, because of the way it happened, and she could've won...but ya know. Next year. So that's a YAY for Gabby. :-D
AND I got the Norah Jones CD, hallelujah and YAY YAY YAY, because she is just SO cool and SO awesome and SO talented it's amazing...i wish i could write music, cuz i could prolly write words...but the whole not being able to sing thing might get in the way a lil bit...
think i got 100 on my math quiz. good job me. :-)
of course, my parents are going to put me back on phone restriction and baby bedtime and all that shit because i'm prolly gonna get a B in math...yes mom and dad, once again, i have failed. In my stupid fuckin six point math class full of the IB sophomores and juniors and two lil old freshmen, I made a B. Please, just ignore the fact that i worked my stupid ass off and that I've been about 10 billion times happier ever since you generously allowed me to stop studying and reading or whatever and LIVE...no really. Who needs happiness when you can have fucking sheets of papers with 'A's on them...which is besides the fact that the whole new restrictions thing has NOTHING to do with me getting a B! Dammit stupid parents, i do my frickin best, are you blind? Yeah but whatever.
Norah Jones is AWESOME!
Tomorrow Lauren has big flute auditions, I hope she does well...good luck to her...
Tomorrow I will sit around and listen to Norah Jones and study for exams...joy...prolly practice the piano too...call dd, call hannah, call arun, call lauren, chat with all of em, go out to the PDS playground, watch TV, maybe go shopping...? eat chocolate (try to ignore the FAT seeping into my body...), take a bubble bath...life is good. Sometimes...
Yes, that's the end, cuz I have nothing else to say. For right now.
But I love you all, seriously, cuz you guys are there for me (at least most of the people reading this are, I think...), and ya know, i think the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is knowing that i have wonderful friends who can make me laugh. Laughter is all that keeps me going somedays. Wow, life is tough tough tough...a quote! YES!
Nightingale/ sing us a song/ of a love that once belonged/ nightingale/ tell me your tale/ was your journey far too long?/ does it seem like i'm searching for an answer/ to a question i can't ask...all the voices that are spinnin around me/ tryin to tell me what to say/ can i fly right behind you?/ and you can take me away ~ "Nightingale", Norah Jones
~~Always~- *Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 10:45 PM
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wWednesday, January 08, 2003 |
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Ugh. Piano class today... did you know if you rearrange the letters in "piano class" (and delete a few too) you can make the words "pain" and "ass"? amazing how things work like that...
so dd and i stayed up till 12:20 last night/ this morning talking on the phone...so i'm pretty tired...but overall, today was actually a GOOD DAY! Amazing, I know! Math was easy, we're having a TOUGH quiz on Friday, but I should be okay, it's just a question of memorization...Anliker was a BITCH to me in English, but its all good...Spanish, the usual :-p...and Debate... my fave lol! West is hilarious, he picks on me like crazy but who cares, its funny, i can laugh at myself...most of the time... ;-)
Homework outlook tonight? *I know you care*...hafta get ELP test signed, DON'T LET ME FORGET, hafta read some MLA shit, study for bio!, hafta do SAT cards, and thats it...
oh no its not, shit, i hafta write an essay for fucking drama
oh well
i'll be okay...lol!
Can't decide what to do my OO on and it's supposed to be DONE already! Ideas? PLEASE let me know...
So it's off to piano, a quote:
Always be happy. Never be satisfied. ~ Ashton Kutcher *spelling? huh...who cares he's HOT HOT HOT :-)*
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 4:13 PM
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wTuesday, January 07, 2003 |
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two words:
bio sucks
i don't have a quote, no i don't, because no words can describe HOW MUCH it sucks.
*thank you, thank you VERY much...*
ya know i luv ya lots!
~~Always~-*Teresa*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 4:45 PM
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wMonday, January 06, 2003 |
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i can't handle this, i know i should just be doing my bio and my elp and all that
but i don't know i'm so scared i'm so crazy i dont know dont know dont know
who i am why i'm like this i just need something i can't find it
i dont know i dont know i dont know and echoes in my head again again
tears and pain why why i dont know
sings itself to me i just want it all to stop
cant make it stop cant control it cant cant dont dont
why
am i okay what is wrong i dont know
answers i could find if i only knew what questions to ask
is it time?
posted by
Teresa at 10:20 PM
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wSunday, January 05, 2003 |
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School again. TOMORROW...Break was nowhere NEAR long enough...I cannot stand the thought of going back to the drama, the pressure, the EVERYTHING that just sucks so much. I'm trying to be optimistic and happy but it's just NOT working...life is hard. Oh so hard. I know I'm whining, I know, I know, I know...
Okay. So let's try a dose of the "happy blue skies" medicine. Optimism, COME TO ME...
~~~ I mean, my life obviously has it's good points. Sure, my parents are a little...overprotective...some might even say they put a great deal of pressure on me (NAH, ya THINK?) but my family loves me and i'd like to think my friends luv me *i luv y'all! ;-)* and it's not like there's tragedy or crises all over the place, but being a teenager is just frickin hard...all I wanna do is have FUN, be HAPPY and it's just FUCKING HARD.
Ya gotta focus on the good points, the stuff that keeps ya grounded, but it's hard when you discover that everything you take for granted can come crashing down if one person pushes the button, and it's hard when you realize, as Charlie Brown says..."Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love." and it's hard on those days when ya feel like you have nothing, you know nothing, and it's hard when you "hate" your parents, and it's hard when you're hurt, and it's hard when you cry
But you stop and you think and you remember what keeps you going, and even if you can't put your finger on it, you try to think about the future and your dreams and remember life is worth it, worth all the shit, worth everything, cuz there's nothing better. and there's nothing more precious. Than living, and loving, and laughing...cuz in the end, after all the drama, after all the tragedy, after all the tears, after all the giggles, after all the backstabbing, after all the pain, after all the memories, after all the romance, after all the heartbreak, after all the successes, after all the failures...at the end of the day, when you come out from hiding and look inside to the mirror, after everything, all you have left is yourself. And how you act towards those you love. And how you feel. And what you believe in. And who you are.
Wow...that was deep ;-). I'm proud of me. *Good job, Me!*...
and that's it, I'm going to take a bubble bath and think on life a little more...*is that BURNING RUBBER we smell???? hrm...*
But wait! A quote!!! *I can HEAR you all rejoicing...*
I hope life isn't all one big joke, because I don't get it. ~ Unknown
~~Always~-*Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 8:30 PM
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wSaturday, January 04, 2003 |
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Yup. OBVIOUSLY it's past like 10, because I'm posting ;-). Watching MTV because I have nothing better to do..."How To Live Like a Popstar"...obviously info I'm gonna use in life...like BIOLOGY!!!!!~~So anyway...yesterday, went shopping with laur and dd (jeans and b&bw and gap FLEECE PANTS *thank the lord for small favors...* ), played shots all night, this morning dd went home for homework *poor girl! :-(* and laur and i got MANICURES (hurray...!) then came home, tried to pay attention to my homework, and went babysitting. Four kids, one EXHAUSTED chica...need I say more? DISASTER! One minute I'm cleaning dishes, next thing I know Laura Elizabeth is screaming about the baby and there's peaches all over the floor...ugh. Definitely should've been paid more than $30...but hey~ that's $30 closer to three weeks of PARADISE. So it's worth it. Right?
Back to school in just ONE MORE DAY, and to say I'd rather just burn in hell would be an understatement. I loved winter break, I mean I was pretty depressed in the beginning, but I had a chance to work on making myself happy, and just RELAX, but it's OVER, so sadly OVER, and it's back to the suffering. And my parents said they needed to "talk to me" today, and I got the "are you going to make straight 'A's this quarter?" lecture...because remember, you have potential. We know that you are certainly capable of more than 'B's. No, we don't care that you try your FUCKING hardest. You have to make straight As. Good enough NEVER will be. Don't you care about college? You used to have big dreams *until your parents slowly but surely pressured them out of you...*. What about your future? You're not prioritizing school enough. We don't think you're focused enough. I don't believe that an 80 on your biology lab is your best. Look at your sister, she's in HORIZONS, she's making PERFECT grades. Remember, if you don't get those As, you're grounded. No phone. No internet. No nothing.
And the same questions just running through my head, running so fast I can hardly breathe:
What about being happy? What about what I want? What about making sure that I'm OKAY emotionally? What about ME? What about what I want? What about being happy? What about life? Oh, Mom and Dad, do you think that somewhere in between being your perfect little straight A daughter and making it into some Ivy League college, do you think I can stop and LIVE?
I'm not saying that my dreams for the future don't involve Ivy League colleges, but they also involve walking down the aisle, and having children, and...somewhere in between all this shit...taking just a sec to figure out who the hell I want to be. Not what...lawyer, politician, doctor...but who. Who? Me.
Yeah so by the way, there you have it, a beautiful synopsis of my feelings about pressure and parents and yeah. I just had to bitch for y'all. Ya KNOW I luv ya to death.
A quote! (before I give my full attention back to MTV)...
There came a time when the risk to remain wrapped tightly in closed petals was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~Anaïs Nin
~~Always~- *Tess*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 11:43 PM
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wThursday, January 02, 2003 |
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Late at night. As usual. Happy NEW YEAR!!!!! 2003- wow- seems like just yesterday we were dealing with all that y2k junk *sniff sniff...tear tear*...went over to the neighbors' house, played board games till midnight, my neighbor friend spent the night...we (me, my sis, and her) chilled this morning, then my parents made us play a family basketball game...a disaster. COMPLETE disaster. One minute my brother's crying because "Gabby slapped me...", the next my sister's refusing to play because she's losing...overall, NOT a fun experience. Pasta for dinner :-D, watched American President on tnt for elp...blah blah. Oh yeah, my birthday was great, got lots of money and an old navy giftcard and a cd...blah blah blah.
Got my TIP catalogue. So many classes that i really really really wanna take...but SO much money...the rents are making me save up...i have to try and get at least $500. I'm not thinking that's gonna happen...thoughts?
*
Miamigirl1288: hrm. there's always the "walk every street in charlotte until you find a $100 bill lying around" option
*
leichicmunk: start up a car wash or something
*
leichicmunk: a few hundred bucks shouldnt be too hard
*
leichicmunk: right?
*
leichicmunk: babysit a crap load of kids in the next few months :)
*
Miamigirl1288: if i could FIND a crapload of kids
*
ack. What to do, what to do...oh i know! go to sleep! since it's like 1-something in the morning...january 2nd. Hurray for me. I really need some sleep...that's it, I'm going, goodbye...
I've got nobody but I'm not alone/ A world full of dreamers that'll never go home/ I may not make it/ I'm gonna take it so far.../An avenue of the stars...- "Avenue of the Stars", Jennifer Love Hewitt
~~Always~-*Teresa, Tess...*
;-D
posted by
Teresa at 1:28 AM
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